After a failure in a different relationship, I had to get my priorities straight. I had used the other person as a source of validity for my own insecurities, and in doing so, had gotten lost in the other person. My relationship had become a controlled one, with my fear of losing the source of my self-confidence keeping me dancing like a puppet on strings for the guy I was with. In between that break up and meeting my now husband, I did a lot of self-searching and changing.
I gained a real sense of self-confidence, and used self-control to keep from falling into my old patterns of seeking validity from outer sources (particularly guys). (It did help me to realize that I wasn't anyone's last choice when I had ten guys contact me in the week and a half after my break up.)
I defined my goals for wanting a marriage relationship:
- To have someone to grow with
- To have someone to give to
- To have someone to start a family with
Not to have someone who makes me feel worthwhile--I know on my own that I'm worthwhile. Not someone to run to when I'm lonely and insecure--I find confidence within myself.
And sometimes, if I'm feeling emotional, I remind myself of why I got married in the first place--with these clear-cut goals. It helps to calm and clear my mind.
The goal of marriage isn't about having someone to be your crutch because you're too weak on your own; it's not about being an incomplete half who has to have someone else to be whole. It's about being a strong whole who is ready to combine with another whole, in order to create something so much stronger and brighter, and so full of potential.
If you're single, it's for a good reason: Get in touch with yourself and your life. Figure where and who you need to be. Be strong and balanced, so you'll be ready to join your life with another's. I'm so glad for my stint of single-hood; it gave me a chance to be ready to be in a relationship.
Don't think this outlook is unromantic; in fact, there's even more potential for romance in this kind of a relationship, because both partners are confident and secure in themselves. And that makes the special moments special purely for their value; not for the sense of neediness or insecurity.
My relationship is healthy, and I have a healthy sense of self-respect and self-esteem. My husband supports me, he doesn't treat me like I'm incapable of being strong and valuable on my own. And I go to him with my issues if I need to; but I find my main sense of balance and validation from within. I don't let myself do otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment