Ego's Role in Marriage

It's been a little more than a month since I married my wonderful husband, and there is one prevailing lesson I've learned/am learning about marriage (and relationships in general): Ego is the root cause of all disharmony in a relationship.

Ego can absolutely soil the happiest, sweetest relationship. I'm not saying let yourself become a welcome mat. What I'm saying is this: If you're too busy focusing on your "due," you'll turn a loving relationship into two selfish people focused only on getting what they each need. Your spouse will mirror your attitude toward the relationship.

Sometimes, maybe you'll give a lot and not get as much back. Instead of bitterly worrying over what you "deserve," and making damn sure you get it, view everything "extra" (the things you do that you don't feel you're being "paid back" for) as a pure gift of kindness to your spouse. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the tranquility and sense of self-satisfaction you'll have from this approach. (And in marriage or any seriously committed relationship, you need that peace of mind, unless you want to be seriously committed.)

Stop keeping tally. Just give. Sometimes, you'll do more giving; sometimes you'll do more receiving. Just trust that in the end, it all balances out. Don't be like petty immature preschoolers who are so concerned about getting exactly the same amount of snack as the others, that they A) don't appreciate or enjoy what they do have, B) don't enjoy it as fully as they could have, and C) don't realize that their piece of graham cracker is already comparable anyway! Does it actually matter how much graham cracker a kid gets as long as he is satisfied? Of course not! It's just a sense of ego, whispering "Well, it's the POINT of the thing." Screw the point, screw your spouse, and you'll feel better.

 Just get past and over your ego, and your entire relationship will benefit so much. And don't worry about if your spouse is doing the same or not; worry about YOU. Eventually, your spouse will mirror your attitude. But honestly? If you're really giving of yourself the right, complete way, you won't even care at that point if your spouse is giving to you the same way you're giving to him (her). Why? Because the main focus of this attitude is focus on giving, not on receiving. (Not to say you can't enjoy what you do receive, but your only focus isn't just on GETTING.)

Feel like you're being taken advantage of? First do a reality check: Is this really him (her) asking me for so much, or is it my ego flaring up? Most often, it's ego.
If it legitimately seems like you're still being taken advantage of, communicate your feelings to your spouse. Don't be hostile, just be real. (Though, I can be hostile when I'm real--it's a difficult balance to strike.) Talk about how you FEEL, not what the other person is doing wrong.

Sometimes, your significant other just acts like an idiot. Sometimes you act like an idiot and your SO gets in the way of it. And sometimes your nerves are just worn thin from sharing your life and home with someone else 24/7. But don't automatically balk when you're called upon to give in a relationship; it's what a relationship is all about. Don't let your ego ruin the potential of what your relationship can be, and who you as an individual can be.